|
so school isn't going well.
my gpa is around a 1.
i'm broke.
i cant get a job.
the manager at taco bell doesn't like me because of what she heard about me.
i cant even work at taco bell.
i turn 18 in 8 days.
my car is a piece of shit.
i have 2 cigarettes.
i have barely enough gas to get me to a gas station.
i have no money to get gas at a gas station.
the band hasn't practiced in a week.
i owe my father infinite money.
i haven't slept well in weeks.
i dont feel well.
i keep throwing up.
it's getting harder and harder to plan for the future that i will never have.
if god had mercy i'd be dead.
in other news, im listening to weezer.
( and i'm really fucking bored )current mood: :-/ listening to: weezer |
|
|
Feb. 29th, 2004 @ 05:51 pm
|
|---|
|
|
Feb. 24th, 2004 @ 11:53 am
|
|---|
|
YOU ARE NOT DIFFERENT.
i want this bullshit to stop. you know who you are.
having a baby in highschool is not going to be easy. it is not going to be fun. you are not going to be a happy mommy. you are not stronger than most. the odds are against you and they will be for the rest of your fucking life. stop making light of it because it isn't something to make light of.
marrying someone you've known for less than a year is not a good idea. it isn't. the past is proof that it isn't. this time is no different, just like all the other times you swore it was different and it ended up the same. stop kidding yourself. dont make light of it. it isn't funny. you are fucking yourself over and you wont listen to a fucking person.
so maybe i'm wrong. maybe you will succeed. maybe things will work out wonderfully for the both of you. but please, be realistic.
you are missing out on so much of life because you think that you, out of millions of other people, will be the lucky one. well i'm sorry but you won't.
and if someone was betting on you, they'd bet you'd lose. |
|
|
Feb. 24th, 2004 @ 03:12 am
|
|---|
|
two years ago, i could count the people i knew that went to mt. ararat on one hand.
now i'm not sure i can count high enough.
and no, i don't know a lot more people.
god is trendy and these kids wont admit it.
now i'm not saying i dont like some of the people that go to mt. ararat for "flood" or whatever it is, but this is becoming a joke.
writing things like god is great all over everything you own is stupid. writing bible verses on your hand so that your other friends that go to church see them is stupid.
the people in that place must really understand how highschoolers think, because they've managed to make religion a fad.
"god is not a fashion"
p.s. there are a good number of people that i think go there for the right reasons.
p.p.s. oh and i dont hate anyone for going to church, i just think a lot of people have really fucked up values. |
| » happy valentines day, i fucked him up |
|---|
i do not want to be a part of a society that still finds reason to be unfair and unjust.
i started a new journal, but i really hate the update system, and how only registered users of the site can comment on my posts. i mean, it would be fine, except there are only like 50 users on the site, and 4/5 of them are inactive. so, i'll probably steal my own code and start ANOTHER new journal, which is all well and good, because this one turned out pretty awful.
best wishes.
Feb. 17th, 2004 @ 11:30 am
|
| » (No Subject) |
|---|
shit.
i've lost my way again.
school today sucks, mostly because i can't get the thought that i don't have to be here out of my head. i'm here for the wrong reasons. i'm at north stafford highschool for all the wrong reasons. but all the wrong reasons are alright. as long as i'm doing something, i guess.
i'm flat fucking broke and owe a lot of people a lot of money. thank god i don't fuck with the mafia. long live moms that give me money when i really need it. long live apathetic cashiers at major chain stores that just don't give a fuck when the alarm goes off and i walk out the door like nothing happened. thank god for the pawn shop that gives me 15$ an item.
poverty does lead to crime, even the most minor poverty. but it also leads to the most interesting revalations, like how much i hate the fact that i'm becoming so shallow. i wasn't ever one of those kids that tried when i wrote. i never tried too much at anything. and i need to learn to accept that just because i judge everyone 24/7, not everyone judges me. everyone's human.
i'm starting to question the decency of people. i used to believe that everyone was basically good. well i was basically wrong. people do have motives. bad ones. people have plans, people decieve, and people (most) could give two shits less about 99.9% of the people around them. especially here. especially the people that know me. i'm on the backburner and this time it's not entirely my fault.
it's sad to say, but it's true. i'd give up every bit of talent i had, every insightful thing i ever spoke, everything, if i could just be really happy all of the time.
anyway, yeah. bye.
Feb. 5th, 2004 @ 11:44 am
|
| » (No Subject) |
|---|
*BONERS* TOTAL!
give me more boners!
get boners of your own
ack. i cant even see lisa till after 4 today. and that's the earliest. balancing shit fucking sucks. oh word.
Jan. 24th, 2004 @ 12:59 pm
|
| » (No Subject) |
|---|
i can't sleep.
hah, it sucks.
listen to carol, they are so good.
PGHC.
go to the show on monday. look it up on pheer. it's at club east coast.
cant think because im so tired. now im going to concentrate on falling asleep. good night to all.
Jan. 18th, 2004 @ 05:39 am
|
| » (No Subject) |
|---|
http://www.fredericksburg.com/News/FLS/2004/012004/01112004/1227822
i'm not saying they don't deserve to be heard, they just don't deserve to be able to claim they are part of anything "spiritual".
why is it that homosexuality is still held dear to the church as a sin, while the rest of the ancient scriptures have been. plenty of things people do every day are reffered to as "sins" in the bible.
the church, every church, preaches forgiveness. a murderer can be forgiven, a child molester can remain a priest. aren't these sins? and if you're a catholic, aren't these mortal sins? just as much mortal sins as being a homosexual.
people didn't like homosexuals 7,000 years ago for the same reasons people don't like homosexuals now. ignorance. fear. there are plenty of reasons. people weren't any more intelligent or enlightened back then, either. the people that wrote the bible were not got. they were not holy. they were people that threw their personal beliefs in with what the taught as scripture.
this is sick and it needs to end. it's highschool, but in a greater sense. let's all beat up and push around who's different.
freedom of speach is a double-edged blade. while smart people get to say whatever they want, so do the ignorant scum.
instead of making this rant any longer, i will just say my part.
if you don't like homosexuality, fine. if you preach against homosexuality, make fun of homosexuals, and/or think that you are better than someone because you are heterosexual, you are a fucking moron.
Jan. 12th, 2004 @ 01:33 am
|
| » (No Subject) |
|---|
i've said it before and i will never say it again.
i've never been this close.
Jan. 11th, 2004 @ 05:45 pm
|
| » (No Subject) |
|---|
it isn't over.
it isn't even close.
so don't worry. don't concern yourself with that.
you've changed, i've changed. it's obvious. but i still love you. i'm just looking for answers to some things right now.
i'm not even close to wanting to leave, we just need to sit.
and talk.
like we used to do so much.
i love you, and i want to make this work.
i'll talk to you today, when you get home. we will be ok. we will be ok.
i love you.
Jan. 11th, 2004 @ 12:45 pm
|
| » (No Subject) |
|---|
and tonight i pray to god that it snows enough to cancel school, because i cant find it in me to sleep.
Jan. 9th, 2004 @ 01:50 am
|
| » i have a problem, but i'm gonna kick it in the ass |
|---|
i will get past this.
when you're tired, every letter starts to look the same. it becomes pointless to mention how pointless writing this all out really is. ahh, i know i need to go to bed, but i cant fall asleep. i just lay there and think, and it sucks, because there isn't a fucking thing i can do.
i cant fall asleep. i cant waste precious time sleeping. i've already fucked up so badly, i need every minute i can get to fix it. why dont i have a plan yet? why haven't i done anything about it yet?
the honest truth is, i don't know. i have the motivation. i have the support (i love you). i have the willpower. i guess i'll start now.
i've come to the realization, finally, that there are some scenes i'd rather not be a part of, and this is one of them.
speaking of finally, i quit smoking cigarettes. i just dont like cigarettes anymore.
i love you more.
Jan. 6th, 2004 @ 01:42 am
|
| » (No Subject) |
|---|
i've lost my way again. what starts out as innocent fun and games can very quickly turn in to something very serious. what begins as being unenthusiastic turns into being seriously lazy.
i'm tired of living parts of my life through a fog, and spending the other parts of my life wishing i was there. i don't want to look forward to hurting myself. i don't like not remembering things. i don't like the way it numbs me to everything going on around me.
i want to think clearly all the time. not just some of the time. not just when i'm "sober".
i'm not declaring sobriety or anything like that. all i'm saying is that i'd like to change the way i see some things. i need to adjust some of my values.
three years ago, in weather like this, i wouldn't dream of staying inside my house. but now...
i should of gotten a job. a while ago. but i didn't. not because i cant, but because i won't. instead of getting a job, i found an easier way to get some cash. but it doesn't feel right. everything is better when you know you've earned it.
i will not burn out. i will not succumb to the suburban lifestyle. i will not live with my parents when i'm 24.
and to achieve all three of these goals, i only need to do one real thing.
readjust my values. on all sorts of things.
Jan. 4th, 2004 @ 07:21 pm
|
| » merry christmas |
|---|
ahh so tired. so groggy. ah well. cant lie around. IT'S CHRISTMAS. gotta find shit to do.
i miss you. even if we're fighting i still miss you. and i love you.
come home so i can make this all better. with a kiss.
Dec. 25th, 2003 @ 10:20 am
|
| » (No Subject) |
|---|
well i guess i wont sleep tonight.
not because im so excited to open presents.
not because its christmas.
but because of you.
thank you.
best present ever.
i dont feel like saying it.
Dec. 25th, 2003 @ 02:25 am
|
| » (No Subject) |
|---|
- i never write in it for more than a week
- i never really write anything worthwhile
why the hell do i keep this thing again? lisa is gone, she wont be back until after christmas. a year ago i was just about to meet her. imagine that.
Dec. 24th, 2003 @ 04:33 am
|
| » (No Subject) |
|---|
blah blah i feel like shit today.
took the girls to school and now i'm at home. told my mom i wanted to go back but apparently i have a fever. so, i will stay until the fever goes down, then go to school to see my lovely lady lisa. she's so down lately. it's starting to get to me. i know it isn't her fault, but damnn, i'm not used to having to deal with the issues of two people. it's ok though, because i love her.
so i got the ps1, the mobile screen, 2 megaman games (8 and X4), legend of the dragoon, a memory card, and an extra controller for only 25$ out of my pocket. cool? yeah. anyone up for some tekken 3? i can't believe this is finally old school.
my parents have a family friend staying in the basement because my grandma is sleeping upstairs. the only reason i'm out of my room is because he's in the shower. as soon as the shower goes off, i'm back to hiding in my room. i've barely been on the computer at all lately since he's been here. partly because i'm scared to leave my room and partly because he's on it all the time.
i ordered my guitar amp. finally. haha now i just have to go locate my guitar. i think it's still over at trevors, maybe i'll get it today. the amp is 100 watts, 2 12 inch celestion speakers, and its still only 150$. it's an off brand, but all i need is a decent clean channel and nice low end, and that's what this is supposed to have. and it's loud enough to practice with. i don't care about the distorted channel, i'll just use a pedal.
i miss you guys.
Dec. 18th, 2003 @ 07:47 am
|
| » (No Subject) |
|---|
why does it have to get like this. what did i do? i shouldn't have to handle this. it's not my fault. none of this is my fault. i can't control myself sometimes. i'll admit it. i'm weak. i'm pathetic. i can't ever admit when i'm wrong and when i know that i'm wrong i go out of control. i'm sorry if i've ever hurted you. you. you. anyone. i'm sorry that i never really tried hard enough. that i never gave enough. that i never trusted enough. i don't know what's wrong with me. blame it on the chemicals, sure, blame it on anything. i don't know what it is and neither does anyone else.
i don't try to hurt people. i don't try to make people feel bad. i don't try to be the way i am. i just am and i apologize for the things i do wrong. i don't mean harm. i'm not a bad person. i never, ever intended to hurt anybody.
reality just smacked me in the face and it smacked so hard.
i am not crying out for attention. i am not looking for help.
sometimes i wish the whole world would just leave me alone. so that me debating ending this wouldn't seem so selfish. other times i am so glad that i have so many people that give a shit. but i'm sorry if i hurt any of you. i'm sorry.
i'm so sorry.
Dec. 16th, 2003 @ 12:25 am
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
earspop's journal
